Under the weather, Cdes

Under the weather, Cdes
Published: 13 July 2017 (362 Views)
Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, due to circumstances beyond my own control, I am unable to address you this week.

As most of you who care would be aware of, I had to travel abroad to attend to some life-enhancing emergencies that — also for reasons beyond my control — are better attended here, rather than there. I am, however, very positive that I will be able to address you as usual next week.

Meanwhile, you should all keep busy charming the electorate and encouraging the youths to register to vote. The 2018 poll should be a walkover. I have all my trust and faith in you.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


We finally hand-delivered a cheque of a princely $1 million for the 300 cattle that we pledged to the African Union (AU) more than two years ago! What an iconic achievement! As a super-patriot, Dr CZ had offered to drive the beasts all the way to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, the seat of the continental bloc. Unhappily, the seemingly baffled mandarins there had other ideas… they asked their benefactor to sell the animals and send the cash over.

Please fan, don't ask Dr CZ how a donation of 300 cattle can translate to $1 million right to the dot… not $962 432,87 or $1 056 445,23, but $1 million gedye-gedye!

As someone whose arithmetic is suspect, Dr CZ has no capacity to suggest in any way that there could be something fishy about this whole transaction. Each animal should have been auctioned for not less than $3 000… who is Dr CZ to resist the riveting temptation to join the Command Livestock programme?

When a village yokel wears a borrowed suit, he longs for the sun to stop so that the whole village can see him for a long time.

As we make song and dance over our iconic donation to the AU, maybe it is time we reminded ourselves that last year we paid our contribution to the United Nations (UN) — the same body where we are demanding equal representation — of nearly $99 000 on September 19, when our delegation was on its way to the UN Annual General Assembly. With the same vociferousness with which we shout about equality, let's shout the figures that were contributed by other countries to show their practical commitment to the global body… Sweden $20 million, Switzerland $28 million, Australia $58 million, United Kingdom $111 million, France $121 million, Germany $160 million and Japan $242 million! And we struggled to contribute a mere $99 000. So much about showing off!

We don't know why African leaders never learn. The reason Ghanaians did not shed even crocodile tears when their founding father, Kwame Nkrumah, was toppled in a coup in 1966 was because they were sick and tired of an irresponsible leader. Nkrumah was mad about pan-Africanism and he was devoting a lion's share of the nascent nation's budget to sponsor his megalomaniac dream of the United States of Africa. Among the thousands of foreigners that Nkrumah invited to freeload on the hapless Ghanaian taxpayer was our very own President Robert Mugabe who jointed the feeding trough in 1958.

When Ghanaians saw that Nkrumah was no longer the leader of their country, but some creature called United States of Africa, they gave him a well-deserved boot.

It looks like the Nkrumah demon of prioritising nebulous continental projects at the expense of immediate emergencies is refusing to be exorcised.

As the ruling party seeks votes in the coming elections, a programme to issue identity particulars has finally started in some parts of Matabeleland, starting with Tsholotsho.

During the floods that hit the area earlier this year, it was revealed that of the 619 people that were admitted at one camp, only 129 had any form of identity documents. That is how serious this problem in this devil-kissed part of the country. Let it be known that this is a generation coming from the mass rapes that took place in these areas for more than five years during the Gukurahundi era. The children who were born out of this heinous crime never got identity documents and their own children in turn could not get identity documents. Giving people identity documents and erecting tombstones on mass graves without talking about our shamefully dark past will not make the putrid smell of these horrendous crimes against humanity go away.

History will judge us harshly!

Last Friday, Vice President Emmerson Mnangagwa told delegates at the Buy Zimbabwe conference in Victoria Falls to disabuse themselves of the notion that everything foreign is good. Fine and dandy!

We, however, doubt that this speech passed through Cabinet because it is a forum where lovers of everything foreign abound … from those who travel across the globe in search of medical services to those whose cool sexual tastes have taken them to the Eskimos! It only becomes an unpatriotic act when Mai Georgina, who cannot afford to buy new underwear, buys second-hand undergarments smuggled into the country by the very same ruling elite. Some animals are really more equal than others!

A concerned Dr CZ fan says he is worried his head off about the threatened deal between our new-look Zimbabwe Airways and Malaysia Airlines. He says his worries are based on the fact that the planes that Malaysia Airlines is trying to foist on us are dangerously unique in that they just have a tendency of disappearing without trace with their contents intact… what would happen in the case that the plane decides to play the disappearing act when the iconic owners of our country are on board? We would be left stranded… ownerless and what makes this case even more worrisome is that our Constitution has no provision for what to do in cases of unexplained disappearances!

Dr CZ cannot help but share the fan's patriotic concerns! We sincerely hope that the dutiful First Son-in-Law also shares

Last week, Dr CZ was in a pharmacy where he noticed that a 500 gramme "brick" of "maternity" cotton was going for a jaw-dropping price $9,80. A kilogramme of this cotton would cost nearly $20. This is the very same so-called white gold for which the farmer is paid $0,40 per kg. The only difference is that seed would have been removed from the cotton to be used for other purposes, meaning more money for the dude who got the crop for next to nothing from the hapless farmer. This world was never meant to be a fair place!

Dr CZ is now seriously looking for a licence to be a cotton buyer.

Recently the media published a story in which Zimbabwe Tourism Authority boss, Cde Karikoga Kaseke was in trouble over a $142 500 maintenance bill for a disabled child he sired with his niece, whom he preyed on while pretending to be sending her to school. The arrogant war veteran has neglected to pay the maintenance since 2009.

The court curiously chose to confine itself to the maintenance side of this obviously criminal case… we thought incest was still a crime in this country? Years back, there was talk of the loose-waisted brother also helping himself to an underage relative of a Cabinet minister who was then his boss.

When a pervert like that runs one beauty pageant after another, we can only guess what really happens behind the scenes. There are lots of stories that do the rounds about this brother who openly boasts of the sexual exploits of those who belong to his Chikonamombe totem.

The fact that his bosses see nothing wrong with the brother's wayward behaviour says a lot about them. It possibly explains why the 1984 ZANU-PF Leadership Code never took root. One of the clauses of the code read: "Party leaders shall not commit acts of (sexual) immorality, or be seen drunk in public."

A few years ago, when the brother was still a permanent secretary, he used to flight full page adverts in a party newspaper, in which he would boasted of being: "A War Vet on a Mission." We can only guess what that mission could be!

Meanwhile, we wonder where the sisters who make a living from the plight of the girl child are when all this evil in happening in broad daylight!

Reality check!
The Zimbabwean Warriors lifted the Confederation of Southern Africa Football Associations (COSAFA) trophy at the weekend after defeating Zambia 3:1. That was a sterling performance by the Sunday Chidzambwa-chaperoned outfit. For that, Zimbos can wag their tails in wild celebration! Find and dandy!

However, as they celebrate, these soccer-crazy Zimbos should disprove in a practical way Dr CZ's contention that soccer is a mirage for dimwits who have no better use for their brains, by showing what the country will benefit from its COSAFA "success". Will the bond note become a dignified currency for a country whose leaders are good at boasting? Will the rogue army chiefs stop meddling in politics? Will the $15 billion loot of diamond gems that we all have been searching high and low for be found?

As far as Dr CZ is concerned, we are still what we were before we went into that tournament… if anything, we are worse off because that $500 000 that we blew at the tournament could have bought four refuse-collection trucks for the stranded City of Harare, or could have gone a long way towards assisting the Zimbabwe National Parks realise its $1 million Command Fisheries goal of planting fingerlings in the country's 10 700 dams. It could have even paid at least 1 600 hard-working civil servants their well deserved bonuses that have been outstanding since November last year.

And the vast man-hours that soccer-crazy Zimbos spent following, predicting, analysing the games as well as making various permutations about the possible outcomes of the tournament could have been channelled to good use had they been harvested towards ensuring that the modest targets of our cure-all economic blueprint, the Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation are surpassed.

Dr CZ still violently insists that as things stand in this country, soccer is a luxury we cannot afford. It is like a father who spends money on beer and expensive suits while his family is starving just for the sake of keeping up appearances in

- fingaz

Tags: Cdes, Cabinet, Health,

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